Boundaries 101
There’s lots of talk about boundaries in recovery. When I was working at an in-patient rehabilitation center, we were always stressing the importance of boundaries: Boundaries around touch, boundaries around sharing information, boundaries around how much time you spend with other people and how you spend that time. I think we can all agree that boundaries are important, especially in recovery. But can we all say with certainty that we know how to set effective limits and boundaries in our everyday life?
So what are boundaries exactly? Boundaries are like these invisible structures that we choose to erect or dismantle. We also get to choose what building material we use and how strong we choose to make them. For instance, in setting boundaries with others, one relationship may require a 12-foot tall brick wall with no doors, while another may require a white picket fence with an unlocked gate.
Boundaries keep us safe and healthy in our relationships with others, and when our relationships are safe and healthy, they generally stay stronger and last longer. Learning how to set effective boundaries can keep us in good relationships longer, and help us create distance in relationships that are no longer serving us. When we learn to say no in relationships, it allows us to say yes with more confidence, enthusiasm and sincerity.
Boundaries and limits also help keep us safe and healthy in our relationship with ourselves. This involves setting perimeters around how we spend our time, money and energy, These perimeters help us balance long-term goals with short-term needs.
Strategies for Setting Effective Boundaries
Know your limits
Put some dedicated thought into what you will and will not tolerate from yourself and from others in your life. Know what your priorities are, and what you need from yourself as well as the people around you.
Practice saying no.
Communicate your limits and boundaries. This is not always an easy task, especially when we are uncertain about our own needs. One suggestion for folks who have difficulty setting boundaries is to practice saying no in low-risk situations. This will help make it easier when it comes time to set more difficult boundaries.
Evaluate and re-evaluate
We don’t always get it right the first, second or third time. Part of setting boundaries requires us to be in a constant state of feedback with ourselves. This helps us identify what is working, and what needs to be re-adjusted. While the word “boundary” often evokes a strong and rigid image, we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves.